MOM FILES: YOU BROKE MY NOSE!

Ok, no one broke my nose, but I sure thought it was broken. Ever been head butted by a toddler? No? I envy you. It amazes me how these precious little children have rock hard heads. One night while I was in a deep sleep, probably dreaming of a pristine home and well mannered children, I was rudely interrupted by a pain like no other. I was a victim of a night time toddler head butting. The pain was indescribable. Ok, it was like someone hitting a gong in your head while someone else hits you in the face with a bat while someone else shines the sun at its highest point in your face. It hurt so bad, I couldn't even cry.  I just knew, any moment now, my nose was going to open the floodgates for the crimson tide. It never came. I also knew that rings were starting to form under my eyes which would further prove my case. That also didn't happen. It really took everything in me not to throw my toddler across the room. My husband barely noticed. The next morning when I went to brush my teeth, my sinuses felt like someone lit a fire in them. You ever burp after drinking a soda and it burns in your nose? Imagine that magnified  x100! It was the absolute worst experience of my life, so far. Perhaps I should have made this a parenting tip. My tip is to sleep with a helmet on if you plan on allowing your toddler to occupy your bed at night and you have a habit of sleeping on your back!

Have you ever been assaulted by your toddler? Please share. Misery loves company LOL.

MOM FILES: "THAT WAS GROSSLY AWESOME MOM!"

There's not a day that goes by that my toddler doesn't do something entertaining.  With that being said, what does one do when you're in a packed drive-thru and your toddlers starts jumping around in his seat screaming that he has to pee?  Well you unbuckle him, have him climb into the front seat with you, open the drivers door, stand him outside and let him pee! Duh! My oldest then replied, "That was grossly awesome mom!"

MOM FILES: LIFE WITH A TODDLER

Today, I call myself trying to get the kids out of the house.  Things started off nice.  We went to IHOP and had breakfast, no problems.  Then we went to Khols to find Andy some pajamas since we had some Khols cash.  After getting chocolate milk wasted his bladder went into overdrive.  Right by the restrooms were tons of Christmas decorations on clearance.  As we were looking through, he tried to grab some and disaster ensued.  Fragments of  a glitter snowman were left in the aftermath.  We quickly fled the scene, purchased our pajamas, and high tailed it out of there! My embarrassed meter rose a little, but nothing to write home about.  Next stop, CVS.  I haven't had my face wash in about two weeks and I was dying, so I figured this would be a great time.  When I walked in, I remembered I was in need of my Seche Vite top coat so I make my way to the nail section.  As I'm looking around, what do I hear?  A HUGE CRASH! Somehow, Andy managed to knock down an entire makeup display.  I looked behind me and everyone was staring at us.  I'm sure my face was bright red.  I felt bad when the lady walked over to us because there was spilled makeup everywhere, so I helped her fix the display hoping I wouldn't get charged for all of the broken bottles.  She ended up thanking me for helping her fix it.  I just wanted to hide and deny the fact that Andy belonged to me!  I eventually found what I was looking for and couldn't wait to leave, of course there was a bit of a line in which I had to wait.  OMG I never want to take my toddler out in public again.  This was just too much that happened within the two hours we were out.  CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!

MOM FILES: CASE OF THE MORNING BREATH

Does my son's nose work? I mean, can he differentiate between good smells and bad smells?  Does that take a while to develop in children?  I'm wondering because he has a tendency to snuggle right up to my face, nose to mouth, and whisper in the morning.  Is this considered parent cruelty? I can only hold my breath for so long.  Don't they have a child guide that forbids this kind of act?  Its not just the toddler doing it either, the "big" kids are just as guilty.  I feel like I'm being violated!

GREAT MOM DEBATE

I'm sure if you're a parent, you can relate to this scenario:

It's hot as hell outside, but it's late at night and you've just showered.  Then you have the great debate, do I go to bed with pajamas, or do I sleep naked?  So you decided to half and half it, push the covers to the edge of the bed, blast the fan directly at your face and call it a night.  Only to be interrupted after what seems to only be about 2 minutes worth of sleep by a soft voice from down the hall sweetly calling out, "Mommy?"  Then you debate whether or not to answer the calling of your precious toddler.  If you ignore it, it might go away.  All of a sudden you hear their blankets rustling and feet hit the floor followed by a more urgent calling of, "Mommy!"  So you yell out, "Everything is ok. Go back to bed."  But its too late and they are already at the side of the bed.  Now you're dreading the inevitable skin to skin contact you are about to be faced with because your precious little toddler has now climbed in your bed and seems to be consuming every open space available between you and your spouse and you just want to melt from the heat.  Then you remember your partially nude, so you, again, debate whether or not to cover up or just let it hang?